April 11th, 2011 • Posted by Jon Faust and Diablo Blackheart • Permalink
Las Vegas NV — As part of his eternal quest to capture market share, the Devil today announced plans to run a Groupon sometime this year; possibly on June 16th. “Although we generally don’t work with partners, the ability to reach 50M souls who are primarily motivated by money is a temptation we need not resist,” Satan quipped in a phone interview. While details of the deal remain sketchy, spokesperson Beelzebub volunteered that The Prince of Darkness will follow the time tested Groupon formula; offering a service for at least half price. “We might offer 24 years of fame for half a soul where we historically can get a whole spirit for that kind of offer,” said Beelzebub from the Mirage hotel.
The partnership represents a lucrative new relationship for the forces of darkness and Andrew Mason, the founder of Groupon. Mason takes a pragmatic approach to opening Groupon to new merchants. While Groupon began offering just local deals for independent merchants, “[o]ur first national deal with The Gap in August of last year gave us a very broad offer we could promote to everyone in the US. It was very successful for us, selling like 440,000 units in a day. But as you know, international is a really important part of our growth. Back then we had about 200 cities in 29 countries. Now we are in 35 countries but this is a quick way for us to extend our reach to subscribers in cities where Groupon hasn't yet launched.”
Even with all the transcendent fervor there are some doubters. Groupon’s chief rival Living Socially declined to comment for this story. Lucifer’s main rival released a statement via spokesperson Gabriel stating, “While we are always looking to improve the redemption rate of our offers we do not feel that discounting is the right course for our organization(s) or our customers.” He added, “There are other options, like repentance, penitence and BoomTime Deals."
Mephistopheles explained in an extensive interview with Mashable that doing a Groupon fits perfectly with the Devil’s mission to spread temptation. “We have always embraced new technology,” he noted. “Groupon just might be our most powerful tool for enticing prospects since Internet porn.”
Still, there are apparently a few logistics to be worked out. While this deal fits Groupon’s mantra of providing great values to its subscribers, the payment from the consumer to Groupon and the vendor are tricky in this case. Generally, Groupon deals are offered at half price, and the amount collected is split between Groupon and its vendor. For his part, the Dark Lord is not really worried about receiving less than a full soul. “Sure, we will let someone sell just half a soul for fame, fortune or Ke$ha tickets, and we will get only half of that after Groupon’s cut, but once someone gets something they want so easily, they are sure to come back for more. Groupon’s repeat visit rate is 22%, but that’s from mortal vendors. Once they taste our services, we expect a 100% retention rate. Besides, there is a lot we can do with a quarter of [a] soul.”
Mason has similar feelings. “We usually get half of the collected amount, which is generally cash. Quarter souls sound different but in fact we have been taking souls from local merchants almost from the beginning,” he said. “Besides, taking the soul out of local markets has fueled the growth of this company. Satan has become a great business partner, helping us turn down Google’s lame offer for a guaranteed $25B IPO.”
